Playing with my boys

Playing with my boys
They keep life interesting :-)

Sunday, October 13, 2013

Imagining the Unimaginable

Nothing makes my heart beat faster than when I imagine being separated from my children...permanently.  Death scares the crap out of me.  Obviously there's the whole "What will it be like to die?  What will I feel?" and other such things that can't possibly be answered that cause me a great deal of anxiety...but those things pale in comparison to the anxiety I get when I think about not being here for my children.  Who's going to take care of them?  No one could POSSIBLY care for them the same as I would.  No one could EVER love them as I do.  Will they be OK?  Will they know how much I love them?  Will they....gasp...remember me?!?  

Tonight as we were putting the kids to bed, I was holding Aidan and squeezing him saying "I can't believe how big you're getting!  You're going to be all grown up soon!"  

Then this happened:

Aidan looks up at me and says "Then I won't need you anymore...?"

"Well, I hope you'll always need me."

"When I am grown up, where will you be?"

"I'll be right here, for as long as I possibly can be!"

"Then God will take you away?" (as his voice gets quiet and his eyes get sad...)

<<gulp>>  "Not for a long, long time baby...I'm hoping to be here for a long, long time."

Then he walked over to his daddy and said "I hope God doesn't take you away for a long time."

My eyes welled up, I had a pit in my stomach, my voice felt like it would crack if I tried to speak, and my heart was racing.  I just can't handle imagining the unimaginable.  And I can't handle my sweet little boy doing it either.  Ugh...nothing prepares you for a conversation like that with your 3 year old son.  

This parenting thing is not for a weak.


  1. First of all, if I haven't already said it...I love your blog title and tag line. So much! Also, those little minds and hearts are churning and turning and piecing things together and pulling them's amazing. My prayer and goal was always that they let as much of it out in a safe place (home!) as possible! It didn't scare me as much when I heard this kind of thing as when I wasn't hearing it. Cause I always knew that if it was coming out of them, it wasn't churning around inside and causing them anxiety. They cast those thoughts on us, and then...they let go. They'll say something intense...then turn around and play swords. Like they never had the thought. It's fascinating! I always love hearing stories like this, cause it makes me know there are two kids, in a safe, loving home that have a mama who's really listening!

    1. Thank you, Adrienne. That just made me cry! And, made me feel comforted at the same time. I pray they ALWAYS come to me, knowing I am a safe place for them. Thank you for being such a wise experienced mom for me to look up to :-)

  2. that was so sweet! Aiden said that he wanted to stay home forever with us. Melted my heart. I hate to think about them being without us. I think I can deal with it more when we are really old and they are grown, but the think about it when they are still really small... I just can't...

  3. Every night before I go to bed I pray that God will keep my parents, Mahir, and the girls "happy, healthy, and safe" and with me for a VERY long time. I have the same fears and fear of death despite my 30 years of life that Dad was an undertaker. And despite all my beliefs and my faith it still scares me but all I can do is pray that we will be together for a very long time.

    1. I completely understand. And that's a good prayer to pray.

      Side note: How did I not know your dad was an undertaker? Fireman and undertaker...any other trades we can add to the list? lol